Matt's Sims Adventures
by Determined
Summary: Matt discovers the computer game The Sims for the first time. Is it only a matter of time before he gets bored? Or is this...the PERFECT GAME?
1. Chapter 1

Matt's Sims' Adventures.1

Summary: Matt finally discovers the world of Sims. Is it only a matter of time before he gets bored? Or is this…THE PERFECT GAME?

A/N: I've already got four chapters of this done, so don't worry, updates will come faster.

* * *

$1.50 from Roger for being a good boy. 

$2.33 from Mello for not smoking indoors while chillin' in Nears' room.

$0.61 from Mello for peeing in Near's bed. We're bad a55.

$1.06 from Near for doing his laundry.

$1.50 from Roger for being a good boy.

$3.00 from Mello for protecting his chocostash.

$3.01 from L for sneaking 1/87800 of Mello's stash out. (150 chocolate bars.)

$1.50 from Roger for being a good boy.

$0.60 from Near for letting him play Mortal Kombat with me.

$2.00 from L for lending him my Gakuen Heaven game: Hell edition.

$1.50 from roger for being a good boy.

$0.70 from the Crazy Cat Lady for stealing Near's catnip and giving it to her.

$1.00 from Mello for taking an unruly gangster "out for a walk."

$0.88 from Mello's gangster for taking him out for a walk. He told me he was an interior designer on the side, and if he stayed too long, he would've given Near a new haircut. Then he insulted my goggles.

…I got mad.

$0.22 from Mello for finishing his gangster off. I could've gotten more if I wasn't so messy. (Pout)

$1.50 from Roger for being a good boy.

After 2 long months, I've finally saved $22.91. The exact price of the Sims game, plus tax. This game better be good…I had to actually **WORK** for this one. Usually I just borrow some of Mello's gangbanger money. (Sigh) But this time he said (more like screeched) no, 'cause he was saving for a new pair of leather pants. "I've got to look good if I want to be a mafia leader." He stated before flipping his girly hair. Anyhoo, here I am in front of EB Games. I can practically smell the n00bs trying the demo games. I walk in.

"Hey Matt, my fav playa. How's Pking in RS?" greets the cashier, a fellow gamer o' mine.

"Not bad, but I'm low on lobs."

"I'll lend you if you give me some essence. 'Bout a grand'll do."

"Sweet." _(1)_

"Anyway, why you here? I told you already, KH3 goes out in 3 months, Mello was joshin' when he said it was out next week. No need to sleep in the tent for it outside the shop…yet."

"Nah, not that. I'm here to buy a PC game, the Sims."

He gasped. "You don't have it yet?"

Oh boy. Now I've got to explain why I, Matt the gaming legend, doesn't own one of the most popular PC games. Evah.

"Funny story, really…you see, _I'mkindascaredI'dgettoattatchedtomysimsandI'dover-reactiftheydied_."

"Huh?"

"I just…you know…L said he played that game at a friend's house and…well he made this Sim. Somehow, it died of a heart attack for no apparent reason."

"Wha?! That wasn't in the game programming…"

"I know man! But L got so attached that he locked himself in his room for 5 days. When he came out, he vowed never to sleep again."

"Why?"

"Because the Sim died when he was taking a 5 second power nap."

"What a sad way to find out…right after a snooze too. I can see why you were scared to get this game. But why the sudden change of heart?"

"…Just bored I guess." I replied, after thinking it over.

"I see. Well, you're in luck." My fellow gamer turned around to open a the glass display case behind him. "Sims Deluxe Edition is on sale for $18.99."

"Uh…isn't that an expansion pack?"

"Nope, it's the Sims combined with Living Large the expansion pack. It's cheaper and has more features."

"Ok!" I smile happily. I love bargains. More money left over equals more games which equals to a happier Matt. I hand him my $22.91 and he gives me a little baggie with my game and change inside. You can always trust this guy to give you exact change 'cause whenever we trade, he always gives the exact value due, whether it be items, potions, or dragon armour.

"Have a good day Mattie!" I raise my hand while I walk away from him in response. I would've stayed to browse the shop, but a n00b was looking at me funny. Must be the goggles…anyway, after several minutes or so I find myself inside the orphanage, opening my room's door. Mello was sitting on my bed, munching on a Kit Kat. Once he spots me, he immediately glares.

"Where'd you go?"

"Out."

"Out where?"

"I bought…the game."

"Wait THE game? The game you said you'd never buy?"

"…Yeah."

"Tch. Don't complain if you develop a peculiar habit." With that, he lies down and begins to quietly snore. I swear, that boy never sleeps in his own bed. He's paranoid that Near booby-traps it. Heh. Booby. Anyway, I take out the game from its case and place it in my computer. While my PC is processing the game, I take out the manual and trash it in the garbage can beside me. Manuals are for n00bs and boobies. Heh. Boobies. That's a funny word. Boobies are funny looking birds, so boobies are a good name for them. I remember a long time ago Mello told me another meaning, but it escapes me…anyway.

The game finally loads, and I'm in tutorial. These are always hand to have, so you don't make a n00b of yourself in the real game.

It appears that a gigantic flashing arrow is pointing at a house in the neighbourhood. When I move my cursor over the house, it says n00b family. I click on it, and a window pops up.

"Welcome to the tutorial…Matt."

…Wtf? How'd it know my name?! _Creepy._

"Here is an overview of the tutorial house. Press the zoom-in button in the control panel below to get a closer look…Matt."

Okay, officially freaked out. But…I play the tutorial anyway. The tutorial taught me how to zoom in and out of a Sim house, how to control my Sims, what the mood bars are for and how to improve their moods. I fooled around with my tutorial Sims, Bob and Betty N00b. I got them to "play in bed." But all they were doing was moving under the bed blankets. They weren't playing pinball or any sort of game. Then another window popped up. "Would you like a baby…Matt?"

These random windows are making me uneasy…but I click yes. Beside the bed, a poof of daisies appear. When the poof vanished, a bassinet appeared. Weird. Pop! Another window comes.

"Congrats Matt! It's a boy! What are you gonna name him?"

Hmmm…Bob, Betty…I type in Booby and press enter. After a while, I get bored with playing with them and decide to watch them. Their antics were amusing. They enjoyed dancing and playing with the baby…after a coupla SimHours (1 RealMin equals 1 SimHour.) Some people came over…they were from the Goth Family. The baby started crying. Poor Booby. A window popped.

"You should start taking care of Bobby…Matt."

I ignore the message and continue to only observe. Soon enough, an NPC called "Social Worker Matsuda" walks towards the house to take away Booby. Nevah! I fence in by buying lots of fences. I watch in horror as he poofs into the baby's room and snatches him. However, he can't get out 'cause of the fences. I grin, and take out a cigarette. Booby is mine! But then…I gag on my cig in horror as he magically portals out **NOOOOO! MY BOOBY!** Tears fill my goggles. I barely had him for five minutes…oh man. I got attached. I need a break from this game. My head bobs down and I give into a despair-induced nap.

"Oi Matt. Matt! MATT! For the love of L…**_MMMMMAAAATTTTT!!!!!!!!!"_**

My eyes open to the sight of an aggravated Mello.

"You left your game on, moron."

"Huh?!" Uh oh. I push Mello away and fix my eyes on the screen.

Everything's on fire, a burglar's in the process of stealing my lamp, Bob and Betty broke up, and now Bob is on fire. He's dead now. Some blue guy with yellow eyes poofed in. I move my cursor on him. His name is "Ryuk." Hmmm…why is he here? Betty starts pleading for Bob's life for some reason. But in mid-plea, she caught on fire. Yow. Ryuk's laughed. "Hyuk Hyuk Hyuk."

Oh yeah. The flowers withered. I quit the game. Oh shoot, I saved. I stare at my handsome reflection in the computer screen.

"Mello?"

My BFF tries to stifle his snickers at my poor Sims deaths. "Yeah?"

"If I die, promise you'll water my flowers."

"…Baka."

END

(1) They were chatting about RuneScape game play (A game I have long given up on.) To PK is to Player Kill, which can only happen in the Wilderness. Lobsters are a popular energy source. Essence is essential for magic users, 'cause they use them to forge their own runes (magic energy.) And grand is one thousand.

* * *

Ch. 1 OMAKE…kinda.

Q and A!

Q. Is Mello a mafia leader in this story?

A. Nope, Mello-Jello's a gangbanger on his way to become a Mafia godfather. He doesn't really live in whammy House anymore, he just visits. Usually for money. (That's a lie, and we all know it! He visits to see me!)

Q. What's the EB Games cashier's name?

A. Tatsuda JigglyheadMcfarty.

Q. Can I marry you Matt?!?! PLLLEAASSE?!?!

A. Sorry. (grins) I'm waiting for Mello to declare his undying love for me. Any day now…

Q. Omg, I love Mello!

A. HANDS OFF, sista! I saw him first!

Q. Any tips for gaming fans?

A. Yep, buy high and sell high! Oh yeah…and never give your password to a stranger. One time in Maple Story, I gave my password to a girl named "WedyDaBug" and I lost my account. And her phone number. 

_Next time: Near gives Matt advice, Matt finds out what Sims skins are, and Mello wears a dress! (Yay fan service!)_

_

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_R.E.V.I.E.W. _

_...Please and thank you. _

_...LYK3 N0WZ. _


	2. Chapter 2

-Gomen nasai! I know I said I would put up chapter 2 last week, but I got lazy busy. Here's chaptah 2!

-

* * *

"Mello-jello-yello-bellow-hello-cello-mellow-"

"MATT!"

"What?"

"Stop it!"

"Okay."

"Good."

"…Mello-jello-yello-bellow-"

"Just. Stop. Now." 

"…Mello." 

"Argh!"

You can tell I'm bored outta my mind cuz I resorted to annoying Mello, Which is getting dangerous by the minute. "Mell, I'm going to Near's." 

"Omg, don't tell me. You're going to play Mario Party again!"

"Nope. YuGiOh." 

"…That game got old years ago."

"Try telling that to Near. He's in obsession mode again." 

"Oh boy. He's like a dang otaku. What's the damage to his sanity this time?" 

"He dyed his hair red, yellow, and black, made it spiky, uses duels to settle his problems, and believes in the heart of the cards." 

". . ." 

"You should see his hair, man…he looks like Sonic the Hedgehog and a TeleTubby's love child." 

"Must you relate everything to tv or video games?" 

"No!"

"Be honest."

"…Yes…"

After that amusing chat, I made my way to Near's room. 

Knock. Knock. Knock. 

The game master opened the door. 

"You're still avoiding it, aren't you?" He asked, his voice devoid of emotion. (As always) He could've been the poster boy for emo albinos, if it wasn't for his ridiculous hair. 

"Avoiding what?" 

"The Sims." 

"..How'd you know about that?" 

"Well, these past two months you've been saving like crazy. Therefore, I deducted that you were saving for a new game because your favourite smokes don't cost $22.91. Gathering information from my spies, I found out you were saving for The Sims." 

"Well Mr.Smartie, how didja know I was avoiding it?" 

"Heart of the cards, my friend. Heart of the cards…"

He led me to the video games and cards section of his toy-crazed room. I swear, everytime I step into his room, I trip. At least once. So far, my record for tripping in one visit is 37. (We were having a sleepover with Mello.) 

Sure enough, as soon as Near turns his back on me to open his sacred YuGiOh deck cabinet, I fall flat on my face. Curse you Tickle Me Elmo!

He hands me my trusty deck and turns around to find his. **TRIP**! This time, I was K.O.'d by My Little Pony. As soon as I get up, he hands me his deck to shuffle and turns to search inside the cabinet for the duelling mat. **TRIP**! 

(Sigh) I've been defeated by…a Kumagoro! WTF!

"So Matt…"

"Hmm?"

"Y'know, acceptance is the 1st step to recovery." 

"Is this about The Sims?" 

"Yes. If you really want to finish that game, you've got to accept your fear of Sim death." 

"…Technically, you can't really finish the game…besides, L never got over his fear of Sim death, and look at him! He's a successful-"

"Loser." 

"…What?" 

"L's a loser. He's 25, looks like a frog-monkey, and gets killed in the manga by his crush." 

"(gasp) L dies in Deathnote? I haven't got farther than volume 2…" 

"Yup. You die too." 

"**GASPAGE**!" 

"Don't worry, you're safe in this fanfic." He places his own deck on the mat and begins to draw cards. I do the same. "That's a relief." 

"Look, don't you wish to be more successful?" 

"Well yeah, but not at the risk of getting traumatized, y'know?" 

Near lays down a face-down and 3 magic/trap cards. When he's done, he looks up and glares at me. "That's not the point. A _true_ gamer does anything to win a game." Dayum, I _HATE_ this kid. Ever since he found out I adore video games, he constantly brings that "true gamer" shiz to our disputes. 

"FYI Near," I give him my version of the _"Mello is mad, you shall be assimilated"_ glare and attack his facedown with my Dark Elf. "I AM a true gamer." 

…Ironically enough, I'm forced to eat my words when he beats me in two turns.

"You were saying Matt?" He flashes his trademark _"Near is numero uno!"_ smirk. 

I'll K.O. the guy who says Mello is the only one who hates Near. 

* * *

A few hours after that brief chat with Near, I find myself in front of my room, knocking. (In case Mello was inside. Last time, I just waltzed in and he kicked my arse.) The door opens. Mello glares at me. "Oh, it's you." My door slams.

"Hey!" I began to bang on the door. Heh heh. Bang. "Need I remind you this is MY room!" 

"Don't be selfish!" Mello retorted, his voice muffled by the door. 

"Are you doing something important? (Blushes) Is there a girl in there?" 

"What! No!"

"…Is there a boy in there?" 

"You're weird." 

"I'm weird? This coming from the chocoholic extraordinaire. Was Willy Wonka your mom?" 

For about half an hour, me and Mello had a "Who's Weirder" battle with only a door separating us from the other's throats. Luckily, I came to my senses. 

"Mello?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Wtf were we arguing about?"

"I have absolutely no idea." 

I snickered, then I took out my key. I unlocked the door, and walked in. My blonde friend was sitting in my uber comfy wheelie chair, staring at the computer screen, choco bar in mouth. For some bizarre reason, the chocolate doesn't muffle his voice. Has he mastered ventriloquism? Note to self: find out…

I stood behind him, studying the screen. "Anime Sims Skins- free if you win?" I read out, confused. "What's a Sim Skin?" 

The chocoholic rolled his eyes at me. "Even Roger knows what a Sim skin is, ya lame-o." 

I hold my hands out in defence. "Don't be snooty, booty. Just tell me, so I won't be ignorant no longer." 

"A skin is a…body design kinda, that you can download as a character. Think of it as a permanent body suit your Sim can wear."

"(Gasp) You mean I can change the way my family looks? Yay!" 

"(Eye roll) You dinghead. You can't change the skin of an already made Sim."

"Ahh…wait, why do you know so much about this game?"

Mello's demon-like eyes took on a shojo sparkly. "Because L-sama played it! It made his eyes so kawaii, desu ne?" 

Oh jap-challenged Mello-chan. When will you see that I'm far more superior than L? Video game obsessed chain smoker clearly beats sugar-obsessed, slouchy, footwearphobic, and diabetes-defying insomniac! 

"Uh Matt? You're zoning out again…"

"Huh? Oh sorry man." 

"Anyway, I'm still trying to win the game so I can gain access to the site." 

Need help?" 

"Nope!" Mello made a determined face. "I'm gonna win the site's URL and get the free anime skins!" He made a fist and held it to his heart. 

"…Mommy wow! Mello's a cheesehead now!"

The wannabe L let out an aggravated sigh and massaged his forehead. "I hate you."

"Lol, I know." 

I took a nap after that, for…I dunno 2-2 ½ hours? Anyway, when I woke up the first thing I saw was my dear Mello looking at the computer screen with deep concentration, his left hand's digits moving across the keyboard, his right hand controlling the mouse. To the untrained eye, he looks like an experienced computer junkie. But to Matt the legend? Puh-lease. He's still a n00b. But he has potential…maybe I can train him as my student and I can be his teacher…my mind drifts off to ego-boosting fantasies mainly consisting of Mello-chan calling me master…(drool)

This went on until I realized I was spacing out again. Note to self: stop doing that. Anyway.

I turn my attention back to my BFFL, who hadn't noticed my awakening. Oh well, more fun for me! I creep out, and slowly…

"HEY! What the heck man! I almost won! I hate you! Dang you! Go to heck! Yeah, that's what I said! We're not friends anymore Matt, you dumb brunette you! You owe me big time, weotch!"

He dramatically flipped his golden locks of hair at me, before marching out and slamming the door, his nose high up the whole time. 

You guessed it; I had pulled the computer's plug. (And if you didn't guess it, then you shall be mocked by my awesome Matt-ness. Go on. Accept the mocking. You're delaying the inevitable.) 

Anyway.

I plug the PC in, and type in the URL of the game. Thank L for my smoking-induced photographic memory; else I wouldn't have remembered which site Mel played on. Oh yeah. Speaking of smoking…I take out a cancer stick and enjoy a few puffs while the game loads.

Let's get cracka lackin'!

…I have no idea what that means, or how it's spelled. 

…Don't judge me. I'm not a gangbanger like Mello. 

You're still judging me. Stop it. (Glare)

…(becomes emo and starts cuttin' himself while singing Hips Don't Lie.) 

"(sobbing) I'm on tonight, b-but my hips don't liiiie…ewah…WAH! Stop judging me you evil fanfic readers you!"

Anyway.

3 minutes later, I finished the game. I can see how an amateur like Mello would've found this game difficult…but it's all about healing your tank on every even numbered turn that ends with 4, with the exception of 44, because that's the turn you have to upgrade your warrior's sword, or he'll- am I rambling again?

"Outloud, yes." Mello remarks as he walks into the room. "And you wonder why no one hangs out with you." 

"Actually, I'm more popular than yo-"

"Oh hush, it was a good comeback."

"Whatever, man."

A flashing url popped upon the screen. I clicked on it and grinned at Mello.

"Btw, you're welcome."

"I would've solved it anyway." He sulked, hands on hips. The blonde then pulled out a seat beside me. Where did he get that seat? Oh well…my short attention span can focus on it lat- ooh, is Mello wearing a pink nightgown?

"Is Mello-chan feeling cutesy today?" I ask, in my girliest voice. I imagine my goggles glinted in the tinted glow of the computer screen.

**POW.**

…Ow.

"Listen man, I'm only wearing this because I feel like it, got it?"

"There's more to this story, isn't there?

"Yeah, it's scary how much I'm leaving out actually."

Anyway, Mello kicked me out of my room, telling me that he can download the skins by himself. He said he was getting some "special" skins. Guess I'll have to wait till next chappie to find out what's so special about them:) 

OWARI

* * *

Ch.2 Omake...kinda.

Q and A!

Q. Who are Near's spies?

A. Ninjas he hired to spy on all of his enemies. He assigned Team 7 to me.

Q. What's a Kumagoro?

A. A pink, talking bunny. It's probably number one on every yaoi fangirl (and Mello's) wishlist. 

Q. Are you gay for Mello?

A. What do you mean? How can I be gay? Mello's clearly a girl!

Q. Mello in a dress...(drool) 

A. Hey! That's not a question!

Q. Any tips for gamers?

A. Yep! Always eat the red ones last! And try to limit your gametimeto 4-5 hours a day.  
"You're one to talk Mr. 17Hours."

"Shut up Near. Just...yeah."

**Next time: Matty and Mello journey to Wall-Mart, and what? A certain Mello-lookalike comes into the story!**

Expect the next chapter soon, but for now, a nap...r...and...r...

-


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

-

Reason for update: Because I love you guys oh so freakin' much, here I am on a library computer updating. So ha! Take that laziness! Who's got the initiative now!

NOTE: Computer finally fixed! Guess my library updates won't continue, eh? Oh wellz.

-

* * *

"(Sob) H-hey hey you you (sniff), I don't like your g-girlfri-girlfriend…oh gawd…(wipes eyes) n-no way, no way, I think…I think you need a new oooo-onnne…wah…. (Sniff)…(whimper.)"

"Not to interrupt your little emo, cutting your wrists while singing girly out-dated songs session, but can we go to Wall Mart now? Y'know I can't leave without you…"

"(Gasp) Really?"

"Yeah. You're the only one with money around here."

"Oh…are you sure it's not because you lurve me?"

"(Already left, and is starting up his motorcycle.)"

"Oh well…(puts back on goggles.)"

I roll down my sleeves and grab my MasterCard©. Making my way to the front door, I hear the rumbling of Mello's phat motorcycle. Either that or L's stomach. I really hope it's not the latter. Hungry L equals goodbye chocolate. (And any other sweets in Whammy House.) Goodbye chocolate equals angry Mello. And angry Mello...(insert dead Matt here. Or broke Matt. Or both.)

Which is bad.

...So yeah.

Anyway, Mello and I go on the motorcycle, and head towards Wall Mart. We're in traffic, so we're surrounded by yelling ranting people, car honks, and floating Shinigami.

...Wait, Shinigami in England? They're not supposed to be here, they're exclusive to Japan!

Hold the phone...Shinigami aren't real anyway!

I'm probably just hallucinating...it wouldn't have been the first. I've seen pigs with wings, swimming robots, and talking llamas. But I've never seen a hallucination twice. I know I've seen this Shinigami before...

It's probably just a side-effect of smoking. I should lay off...nah!

I glare at the Shinigami, who is looking at its reflection in a car's window. For some odd reason the Shinigami climbs onto a car. WTH?

Suddenly, the traffic clears. Mello revs up and zooms off. Right past the Shinigami on the car. "Mello wait!" Too late. I turn around, and see that the Shinigami is just a dot. Soon, a car blocks my vision; I turn my attention back to the front of the road. Or the back of Mello's head. Y our choice.

Mello glares at me. Well, I can't actually see him glaring, but I'm pretty sure he is judging by the tone of his voice. "The heck was that, telling me to wait back there?!"

I'm glad we're on the motorcycle, 'else there'd be a gun to my head right about now.

"Nothing…just thought I saw something."

"What'd you see?"

"You'll laugh…"

"I won't! Promise."

"…I thought I saw a Japanese Grim Reaper."

"Grim…Reaper?"

"Yes."

"Okay…erm, what made you think it was a Grim Reaper, and not someone in costume for one of those stupid cons you love so much?"

"Cons aren't stupid! And besides, why are you so interested? I expected you to tell me to lay off the video games or something…"

"Dunno. Bored."

"Well, I know it was a Shinigami 'cause I saw it before. In Japan. It was a while back…"

**FLASHBACK**

_L: (smiles at Matt) Are you enjoying being in Japan?_

_Matt: (smiles at L) Are you enjoying being handcuffed to Light-kun?_

_Matt and L: (smiling at each other) Yes!_

_Light: (eye-roll) L, I need to use the bathroom. _

_L: Okie dokie Lighty! (Turns to Matt) You continue reprogramming the Investigation teams' computers. We'll be right back. (Gets dragged off by Light) _

_Matt: (waves hand energetically) Bye L! (Is now all alone, typing on computer) La la la la la la…(hears crunching sound) What was that? (turns around and sees Ryuk, eating an apple) OH MY L!! _

_Ryuk: (surprised) you can see me? _

_Matt: (shocked, nods slowly)_

_Ryuk: Hyuk hyuk hyuk…(finishes apple) do you know what I am, human? I am a Shinigami. _

_Matt: Omg! _

_Ryuk: Relax…I won't hurt you. Your name's Matt, right?_

_Matt: Yeah…are you going to steal my soul? (Gasp) Are you Kira?_

_Ryuk: Do you have an apple? _

_Matt: Strangely enough, yes. (Pulls out a Dam Yoo apple) _

_Ryuk: Gimme. (Grabs apple. Both hear toilet flush.) Aww, gotta run. Er, fly. (Jumps outta window.) _

_Matt: …I should __really__ lay off the smokes. _

**END FLASHBACK**

"So yeah. That was why I was off of cigarettes for 30 minutes, before I snapped and destroyed the computers with my m3d cold turkey typing skillz. L forced me to go home, and hired someone else."

"…You're a moron."

"But I'm _your_ moron!"

"True, true. Look, we're here."

"Yay!"

Mello parks his hot wheels, and we make our way to the Wall Mart entranc- **BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!**

"WTH?!" We both exclaimed as a series of highly trained 16-year-old Wall Mart employees tackled us down.

As my ribs were being squashed, I found myself blacking out. Curse my low threshold for pain!

-

* * *

-

When I woke up, I found myself and Mello tied and gagged in a corner. The room was luminated by a single hanging light bulb.

"Well, well, well…lookie what we've got here," remarked a snarky disembodied voice.

Mello managed to chew through his binds with his m3d choco-chomping skillz. "The heck's going on?!"

"Apparently the both of you are withholding arms of destruction that could potentially harm my valuable customers on your persons."

I managed to digest my gag with my stomach of steel. Actually, it's really more of a stomach of mithril. "…Say what?"

"He means that we're carrying weapons, ya Narutard!"

"Oh. But I'm not carrying anything lethal-"

"Except your breath." quipped Mello.

"Shut up blondie! It's Mr. Let's Blow Up the Disney Store because They Don't Sell Chocolate from Neverland you should be checking out!"

"Oh come on! You wanted to blow it up too, remember?!"

"Yeah…I can't believe they didn't have anything on Kingdom Hearts! Those selfish sons of bad guys…"

The impatient voice grew impatient as this went on, until finally it burst, "I don't care about the Disney store, gawd! Just remove your weapons!"

"Uh…that's kinda hard to do, seeing as how Mellow-yellow and I are tied up with gigantic coils of rope that are slowly squeezing my ribs together. Y'know, I tend to black out when my ribs are squeez…"

-

* * *

I woke up a little later in the same room, untied. Mello was standing above me, yelling at me to stop blacking out. Yeah, whatever.

Whoa. Beside him was a humungous pile of weapons. Hand guns, sniper rifles, swords, nun-chucks, bayonets, spears, cannons, lances, maces, pepper spray cans, axes, crossbows, knives, grenades, C4, shuriken (metal and paper), napalm, and an atom bomb sitting on top of the pile that looked like it could collapse at any moment.

"..."

"What?" Mello barked. Then he tossed his hair stylishly. "A _fashionable_ guy such as myself has to be prepared against stalkers."

Tch. Typical Mello.

The disembodied voice made a strangled sound before clearing out its throat. "Well, you're free to go. Except for you…Matt." Funny. It almost sounds like the voice changed. "Hey Mello didn't the voice chang-"

Too late. Mello was nowhere to be seen. That sneaky ice queen!

"You must give me your goggles…Matt."

"Huh? Why?! Do you know how many bids I had to out-bid to get this on Ebay?!"

"Just put the goggles on the floor Matt, and you can go free."

"You can't keep me here forever!"

"I beg to differ," cackled the voice, which started to sound creepier by the second. "Hyuk hyuk hyuk…"

Omg. Where have I heard that laugh before?

"Y-you're the Shinigami!"

"Hyuk! Hi Matt. Long time no see."

"W-why do you want my goggles? Why are you here?!"

"Put the goggles on the ground or forfeit your soul."

I put down the goggles.

"Good boy."

A door opens bursting with light. I shield my untrained eyes from the unbearable glare, and run outta there. Now to find Mello.

-

I walked down the unfamiliar hall. It seemed to stretch on and on. Every so often a door would appear, but every time I eagerly reached to open it, I'd read the sign boldly printed on each one: GIRLS BATHROOM.

WTF's going on?!

Hmm, maybe the next one!

…No, it's a girls bathroom.

Oh! The next one for sure!

…No, it's another girls bathroom.

This one has to be!

…Aww man!

37 girls bathrooms passings' later, I decided I HAD to take the next door that came my way, no matter what! I missed human presence, icky or not. 5 minutes later, I came across another door. I shut my eyes, opened the door, and walked in.

**Fwap!**

Next thing I knew, I was on my back with a tampon pointed at my head. A hysterical voice shrieked at me. "Aiiie! Pervert! You English are all the same! I hate England! Misa-Misa wants to go home now! Why did my boyfriend and that icky detective have to go on a secret mission, and then leave me here?!"

During her little rant, I managed to push her incredibly heavy boot off of me.

"Whoa, I wasn't spying on you, conceited." Before she could retort, I sprang up and made a dash towards the door. "A liar and a pervert! Just like icky L!"

I stopped in my tracks. "Gaspage! You know L?" How the Llama did a girl like her know L-sama?!

"Sadly." Misa sniffed. "Why?"

"Well…er, you don't seem his type, y'know? I always wrote him off as liking the calm, intelligent, homicidal, kind…"

The blonde let out a giggle. "That sounds like my Lighty-right!" She did a prideful little hair-flip.

I stared. "Yowza…you look exactly like my BFF Mello! Except with pig-tails and tighter leather."

"Hmm Mello…rhymes with jello!"

"I know, eh?"

We had a LOL moment.

"Anyhow…why are you dating L?"

"(gasp) How dare you suggest Misa would even touch that icky homo!"

"Oh, you're homophobic?"

"No, of course not! Misa-Misa loves BL! Just not L…eww…"

"(Sniff) How can you be disgusted in someone as smart as L?"

"Misa hates him so much that Misa could…" the girl threw a fist at the wall in frustration. "Argh!"

**CRACK.**

"Yow! Did you break your fist?!"

**CRACK.**

"Nope. Hmmm." Misa cocked her head. "What's that sound?"

**CRACK.**

"What sound?"

**CRACK. CRUMBLE.**

"That cracking sou-" Misa's voice was drowned out by the wall disintegrating.

". . ." We stared at the newly made entrance.

"Misa-chan, you work out too much."

"Tee hee!"

The entrance seemed to lead to a dark tunnel. I couldn't see the end to it.

"So…what now Matt?"

"Ladies first." I made an elegant bow in her direction.

**POW. **

"Ow, ow, ow…I get it." Reluctantly, I limped into the uncertain darkness.

-

-

I don't know how long we walked. All I can say is, that in that period of time I learned the difference between a light dark blonde hair dye and a dark light blonde hair dye, how to teach a kindergarten class via cell phone, and why Light Yagami is "the beautiful-est, fairest, uber-coolest, kindest, sweetest, boy in the whole wide world!" Just as I was about to learn the secret formula to ever-lasting nail polish, I heard voices coming up from ahead. "C'mon!"

We dashed onward. The closer we got, the more coherent the voices were.

"-I said no more!"

"Just a little bit more Light-kun!"

Misa opened her mouth to gasp. I covered her mouth and beckoned her to creep slowly towards the speakers.

"I said NO!"

"But I'm still hungry!"

"Grr…I'm taking it away!"

**POP.**

"Light you meanie! WAH!"

"Misa'll kill you!"

"But it tastes so good!"

By then, Misa was going berserk_. "What the donkey are they doing?!"_ she whisper-screamed. I tried to hold her down, but the she-beast was invincible. She managed to break free, and then started to scream. "LIGHT! L! YOU JERKWADS, GET YOUR ARSES OVER HERE SO I CAN KICK 'EM!!"

I heard the duo chorus "oh shiznit." Then the sound of shoes and bare feet hitting the ground, echoing before fading away.

"I'M GONNA GET THAT L! FOR CORRUPTING MY LIGHT!" the goth girl bellowed. "HOW DARE THEY LEAVE ME IN A WASROOM FOR A 'SECRET AGENT MISSION'?!" Funny. She looks just like Mello-jello when he's mad. Except less cuter. She took off in a hurry, her boots leaving heavier sounds than the two boys. Hmm…should I follow her? She could lead me to Mello…then again, do I really want to see grown men crying?

…Heck yeah! I followed after her, the dark tunnel growing darker and darker with each step. This reminds me of a birthday party.

…Except there's no birthday. And there's no party. So in a way, it's nothing like a birthday party. Hn. Did I just ramble nonsense again?

"Yes. And outloud too." Remarks a familiar voice. Oh. My. Albino. Dolphin. "MELLO-CHAN!" I glomped the blonde with all my manly might. "I've never been so happy to see you! Well actually…"

**FLASHBACK**

_Bully: how do you like this, ya GameBoy? More like GayBoy! HA HA! _

_Matt: Wah…_

_Mello: (walks in) Hey you! (Pulls out paint ball gun and shoots bully repeatedly) no one bullies my Mattie!_

_Matt: OMG, my hero! _

_Mello: Don't touch me._

**END FLASHBACK**

"Well that was short. It only lasted 40 MINUTES!!"

"O rly?"

**SMACKITY SMACK SMACK. **

"…Owie."

"Let's go, weotch."

"Right-o!"

"Raito? What about him?"

"Huh? No…right and o. Right-o. Jeez, it's common brit slang."

"Oh."

"Speaking of Light, I remember! I was following this blonde chick who looked just like you, 'cause she was totally gonna OWN L and Light."

"(Gasp) L's here?!"

"Yeppers."

The young gang-banger hyperventilated for a while, then proceeded to shake me.

"You moron! Why didn't you tell me this before?! Which way?"

I pointed. He gave me a quick smack, before running as fast as his legs could carry him to his idol.

END

--

* * *

Ch.3 Omake…kinda

Q and A!

Q. That Avril Lavigne song in the beginning is so old.

A. STFU.

Q. How can you see Ryuk? 

A. I dunno. Maybe you'll find out later. :)

Q. When did you start smoking?

A. Well…when I was small, I was just a kid who lurved video games. And then…I played the Gravitation RPG, based on the yaoi anime! In it, there was the KEWLEST character ever named Yuki Eiri, a regular smoker. So…that's why I started. (That, and the fact Yuki is Mello's favourite character.)

Q. What's the difference between light blond hair dye and dark light hair dye? 

A. SE-CR-ET.

"You forgot, didn't you?"

"How could I not Near? It involved flying puppies, exploding water bottles, and a sock full of orange dung beetle imported from Egypt."

Q. Any tips for gamers?

A. Yep! Never kiss your teeth in the mafia; it's a baaad thing to do. Also, remember to always carry a long range and a close range weapon, in case you meet a variety of enemies.

_Next time: The gang climbs a ladder up to…France?! _

A/N: Thank you for reading this! Update will be soon-ish!


	4. Chapter 4

Muhahaha

Muhahaha! Fear mah ficcy!

COMMENCE CRACK!

Thanks to Quarter Queen for correcting mah spelling of Wal-Mart. It's Wal-Mart, not WallMart apparently. (blushes) Mah bad...

And for those of you who are waiting for the Sims, I'jm sowwy, but this is a crack fic first, a fic with a plot based loosely on V1d30 Gam35!!1! second. And I swear to RA, I have 86 FLIPPING pages written out all ready...but I am the _worst_ at typing and proof-reading. Hell, my hand-writing's so bad, I had to improvise some scenes here. :( Beta anyone?

0-0-0-0-0

* * *

-

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because of an epiphany so _fantabulous_, I just gotta write it down!

…But then I realize the Simpsons already did it, and I go back to sleep.

How is this relevant to being trapped in an underground Wal-Mart tunnel, chasing an insomniac and his friend (with benefits)? It isn't. I needed an opening sentence, and it just went on from there.

Anyway.

"Faster Mattie! Keep up!" **SMACK.**

"If you're in front of me…how did you do that without turning around?"

(Thoughtful silence)

…**SMACK. **"Don't ask questions!" he snarled and went even faster. Now I'm pretty fast because of attending a multitude of EB Games' midnight madness events. But Mello's faster, 'cause he's used to dodging bullets, Near's glances, and Watari's pimp cane.

"It's strange that we haven't caught up with them yet." I mused out loud, hoping this wasn't a smack-worthy sentence. Sadly, it was. **SMACK'D.**

"(Thoughtful silence) On second thought, you're right."

"Does this I mean I get to smack you?"

"Buster, don't even _think_ about it."

"LOL."

It really was strange that we hadn't caught up to them yet. I mean, computer nerds who spend all their time contradicting each other, tend to be PRETTY DANG SLOW. Heck, even slower that Gaara from Naruto: Ultimate Ninja 3- **SMACK!**

"No advertising!"

"Sowwy…"

"Hmm…Matt, are you sure we're going the right way?"

"Positive!" **SMACK**. Wrong answer...

Mello-jello suddenly stopped dead in his tracks. "How long do you figure this tunnel is? I mean, Wal-Mart's big, but not this big. We must be underground..."

"Kewl."

It wasn't long before even Mello's super special awesome legs began to tire, and we had to take a break.

"It's weird Matt, but there are more voices in my head than usual. And they're strangely non-violent."

"New voices eh? Funny, I hear 'em too."

Now everyone knows BFFs are kinda like twins. They get the same-ish dreams, can read each other's thoughts…and it was at this moment that Mello and me simultaneously looked up for no apparent reason, and saw…

…Air ventS. Notice the s was capital…

…'Cause there were billions of 'em! There was no ceiling at all! We gaped for a while before realizing that L and Light hadn't beaten us in a running race. They just had a higher attention span!

"So…who's bottom?"

"You are."

"It's always me!"

"You're ever so…stronger than me Matt. And…erm…manlier?"

Flattered, I allowed Mello to leg up on my hands, which had formed a make-shift bridge. He sprang up, and managed to jiggy open a vent. He grabbed on, and swung his way in, then pulled me up. He may be borderline anorexic, but he's pretty strong when it counts.

It was pretty dark in the vent, darker than the tunnel we had been in. Still, there was enough light to make out to faint shadows, dancing out of the corner of my nearly blind eyes.

"After them!" We took off. What's the word for crawling and running at the same time? Rawling? Or is it cunning?

**SMACK**. "That's already a word, buttwipe!"

"…How did you hear what I was thinking?"

"_Hellooo_, BFF ESP."

"Oh."

Anyhoo.

We cunned/rawled after the shadows. The air vent crawlspace gradually grew to a point where we could casually tiptoe over the vent holes. Pretty soon, we caught up near enough to hear voices.

"-Think we've escaped your girlfriends wrath?"

"I told you already, she's not my girlfriend!"

"Whatever two-timer. But don't expect any booty-calls between you and me Light-kun."

"Argh! I should never have agreed to going over here with you!"

"Technically you didn't agree…I just held your favourite pen hostage."

**FLASHBACK**

_L: Light-kun, would you like to accompany me for something to be done in jolly ol' England?_

_Light: (Watching Naruto online) Tch, no. Deidera just lost both of his arms. I wanna see him acquire some Edward Elric-esque auto-mail!_

_L: If you don't…(holds a gun to Light's favourite pen)_

_Light: Noooess! I need that for homicide!_

_L: Whut?! _

_Light: Nothing…_

_L: …1000000 percent._

**END FLASHBACK**

"Just so you know, it's still 1000000 percent."

At this time, a rustling sound could be heard. They probably stopped so that Light could shake the living heck out of the detective. Now was our chance to catch up. We made a mad dash towards the two. Too bad God installed delayed brakes in us.

**SMASH. **

"Yow!"

"Itai…"

"Owie…"

"…You guys suck."

Light somehow had managed to use L as a shield, in the split second they had seen us, before we smashed into them.

"Hello Mello," he sneered, hands smugly in his pockets. He probably expected a diss fight.

"Whatever Yagami." Mello's eye took on the ever-familiar shojo sparkle. "OMG L! What a coincidence to see you!" He batted his eyes coyly. What a flirt.

"Whatever Keehl." L's eyes suddenly fixated on me. "Matt, what a surprise to see you…can we talk? In private?" I nodded, to Mello's dismay. We walked off in a corner, away from Miss Mafia and Mr. Justice. Commence diss fight.

"So, what's up?" I asked.

"..Your goggles…you gave them away. Why?"

"Hm? How'd you know that?"

"It involves quantum physics, rhubarb pies, orange fuzzy pens, and a dead Gundam pilot. Are you sure you want to know?"

"…"

"I thought so. Anyway, why'd you give them away? They were yours for a reason."

"I was forced to…it was either that, OR MY SOUL."

"…So?"

"Whaddya mean so?!"

"Those goggles are 1-of-a-kind. And you just let them go because of a measly offering of your soul? Pfht!" I must say, the man is an awesome raspberry-er.

"Screw you. And by screw," I added quickly. "I mean of the toolbox variety."

"A gay toolbox?"

"…"

I walked back to Mello, who looked like he was winning.

"You deprived a village of an idiot."

"Yagami, you deprived a village of a megalomaniac, so don't talk."

"Uneducated fool!" sputtered Light.

"Pretty boy!" Mello retorted.

"Ungroomed she-man!"

"You guys!" I yelled, trying to stop the catfight. They glanced at me for a few moments, then resumed.

"Killer!"

"Mafia thug!"

"At least I make MONEY through my violence!"

"Well I make the world a better place!"

"What are you, Barney? Face the facts; the world will always have bad people. Like me," he added.

"Why you-"

"Sorry to interrupt," L interrupted. "but it would be nice if we got out of this hell hole as fast as possible."

"Us Whammy Children mock-saluted at our idol, then followed L to Kira-knows-where. Light grumbled, but followed too. (You can't resist the power of L! No one can!)

Pretty soon, L's navigation skills (Notice it's 'skills, not 'skillz.' We respect him lotz) led us to a ladder. It looked like this:

H

H

H

H

H

H

H

H

H.

YES, THERE WERE GAPS IN BETWEEN. NO, it wasn't me being lazy, so I made them, reasoning it added to the plot.

"Can you see up it Matt?" asked Mello.

"Nope. In fact, it looks like it's even darker going up."

**SMACK. **"Ow! I mean, yeah, I can see. It leads to the land of unicorns and bubblegum pie!"

**SMACK**. "WTF do you want me to say?!"

Light sighed aggravatedly, and then started going up. We followed en suite. The ladder was made of wood, so it was pretty creaky. So creaky that we had to shout just to hear ourselves think. Like right now, everything you're reading is being yelled so…ahem. Excuse me. I'm getting hoarse, so please read the following few lines of silence.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

Almost there…okay, I'm thinking again. Which means we've reached the top, yay!

Light pushed open what appeared to be a circular object that was blocking us from the top of this ladder. Looking around, it seems we've emerged from a man-hole in-

Russia?!

"WTF?" yelled Mello. "What are we doing in Russia?!"

"Non! Tu es en France, stupide!" yelled a random passerby.

"…The L did that man say?" Light asked, eyebrow cocked up high.

"If you had taken note of the keywords "non" which is similar in origins to the word "no", "France" and "stupid", you could've presumed that he was saying that Mello's statement was false, and that he was correcting the subject of Mello's statement "Russia" with another subject "France". Afterwards, the addition of stupid was an afterthought of how the man thought Mello's intelligence level would be, considering how the statement was doubly negative through the other man's point of view, therefore increasing the possibility that my theory is right."

". . ."

"You got OWN'D." chorused L, Mello, and I.

"Wanna go to Mcdonalds?"

"Yeah, sure."

We left a shocked Light in the middle of the road, standing above the hole we crawled out of. Hopefully he won't get run over by a car 'cause L's crushing on him. (Howevvies, he also dislikes Light for being Kira, so that's why he OWN'D him.)

Oh yeah, you might be wondering the logicality of going to Wal-Mart in England, and emerging out of a hole in France.

Well don't. This is a crack fic, meaning anything can happen…including a smoking llama dancing on your screen. See it dancing? _SEE IT?!_

Anyhoo.

We went off to Mcdonalds, with L's big fat wallet, ready for buying. (I somehow lost my wallet in the tunnel, and Mello was broke after saving all his gangbanger money to buy a pair of "totally hawt leather pants yo!" His words, not mine.)

The cashier flashed a toothy grin. "So, what'll you have?"

"I'll have a steak, medium ra- hold up, what didja just say?"

"Ummm…'what'll you have?' It's plain English, Matt."

"Le gasp! How'd you know my name?"

"Oh, I'm just one of those OCs that are all-knowing, perfect, gorgeous, sensitive, etc."

"…and your name is?"

"SakurakoyukatonakitsunekosamuraiMcninjarobot-"

"I'm gonna stop you there."

"My last name is shorter."

"What is it?"

"Bob."

"I see…okay Bob, I'll have a McSteak, m'kay?"

"Gotcha."

We ordered our food quickly. Strangely enough, the restaurant fulfilled all of our extremely ridiculous requests. Cotton candy, fine wine from the 1500's, rare Swiss chocolate that had limited edition squirrels baked into it. I was almost about to question our dumb luck, but then the author of this fic glared at me, so I clamped my mouth shut.

"So L, what were you doing back at jolly ol' England?" I asked, as I chowed down on cigarette-flavoured McSteak.

"Oh, well you see, I'm on the hunt for this murderer who's twice as devious as Kira, and 5 times cuter."

"GASPAGE!" I gasped.

"I know, I was shocked that such a person could exist! And you know what worse? It's someone we know!!"

"DOUBLE GASPAGE!!" we both chorused.

"Yeah. I've tracked the sucker to Whammy house. His name is-" L thought for a moment. "That's strange. I forget. It's on the tip of my tongue yet, …"

Mello shrugged. "It'll come back to you sooner or later."

We ate, talked. For a while, we were on the topic of Light's absurd creepy laugh. Soon we reached the conclusion that it was a combination of teenage hormones, sharpie overdoses, and pure crack.

Once we figured that beauty out, we suddenly realized it was rush hour outside and our precious specimen would soon meet his demise unless we did something.

Mello used his supah special-awesome-quick-attack that he ripped off of Pikachu, and totally saved Light Righty from a pick-up truck going down highway 40. Mello threw Light's shock ridden body at L, who fell over on impact.

"Itai…Mello-kun, is he still breathing?"

"I'm pretty sure. Wait, he's waking up!"

Light fluttered his eyes daintily for a while, looking just like a kawaii schoolboy. (Pardon my Jap). "Oh my…where am I? Who are you?"

We stared at him for a while, all of us making our own non-verbal assumptions.

"_He's faking innocence! Well it's not working, I won't fall for it!"_ Mello.

"_It seems he's lost his memory and got amnesia…how can I use this to my advantage?"_ Me.

"_**OMG, MY DREAM'S COME TRUE!!"**_ L.

Eyes a-sparklin', L launched into a summary of Light's life. "Well your name's Light Yagami, a prince from England, who is betrothed to me, L, the great detective-king of Canada. You're humble, honest, adorable, just CRAZY about me, so crazy that you ran away from home to live with me in my huge mansion. Oh yeah, you do all the cleaning and cooking for me…and this is our son Matt, and our daughter-in-law Mello." I waved cheerfully, while Mello sighed aggravatedly.

Light's eyes widened in wonder. "Oh my Justice! Am I really blessed with such a charming life with such a handsome husband?" At this, he flirtatiously batted his eyes at a certain frog-monkey man.

We nodded enthusiastically. Reasons?

L. _"My One true Love finally stopped his murderous tendencies!"_

Mello. _"I have a dad-in law! Yay! Albeit he thinks I'm a girl. Oh wellz! Maybe we'll go shoe shopping later…_

Me. _"W00t, another income source! Hello Xbox 360 baby!" _

Light giggled in delight. "Happy day!" He clapped gleefully. Love-struck, L picked him up, bridal style. "L dearest, not to be a bother but…where are we?"

"In France, mah love. Not to worry though, we'll just hitch a ride back home," said L in his most manly voice.

Light smiled happily. "Oh my, I'm ever so tired." Light yawned cutely, stretched with feline ease, then fell sound asleep in the pseudo detective-king's arms.

We all cooed at the sleeping ex-mass murderer.

"Y'know, without the maniacal glint in his eyes, he almost looks like an angel." I remarked. We stared at him for a while. There was something familiar about his sleeping face….just couldn't place my finger on it…sharing this thought with mah buddies, they confirmed they were thinking the same thing.

"He looks like someone I know, but who?" murmured L, deep in thought.

"Maybe Near?" I suggested.

"No, he's too…white. In a non-racist way, of course."

"Then…Watari?" guessed Mello.

"No, he's too…old. In a non-ageist way, of course."

"How about Wedy?" I volunteered.

"Egads, no! She's a girl!"

"You mean that in a totally non-sexist way, right?"

"…No."

"…I see…"

"Hey!" Mello brightened. "I know who he looks like!"

"Who?" we asked.

"You, Matt!"

L gasped. "OMG, I see it too! He looks exactly like you! Except that his teeth and nails are not yellow, there are no bags under his eyes, his hair doesn't look like straw that was picked up off the ground, and he doesn't smell!"

"Wow, way to bring up my self-esteem. I'm just going to cut myself now…oh shoot. My wrists haven't healed from last chappie…"

"Ha ha!" jeered my so-called friends.

"Why I oughta…"

000000000000000000000000

_3 hours later,_

L used his connections to get the super 3-hour-limit-jet-plane that gets you anywhere in 3 hours! After the trip, we thanked the pilot, Shuichi Shindou, for not crashing the plane even when we got him totally hammered for half-an hour, and took pictures of him eating a table. He rocks; I'm totally buying his new album "Strawberry-flavoured Snakes on a Pocky-flavoured Plane."

Anyway.

After dropping us off at Whammy House, L and an unconscious Light left. As they journeyed off into the sunset, a question I had struggled to recall a while ago, made itself apparent.

"L, WTF were you doing in Wal-Mart?!" I screamed, hoping the wind would carry my question to him. Sadly, they were too far off on his unicycle to hear me. Oh wellz!

"Wanna grab a BigMac?"

"Yeah shure."

And so, Mello the Diva and Matt the Gamer hopped happily into the cool, crisp air to grab some burgers. KTHNXBAI!

OWARI

* * *

Ch.4 Omake…kinda.

Q and A!

Q. What's BFF ESP?

A. It's sorta a telepathy BFF's share. When you level up to BFFAFAFAFAFAFAF, you gain the ability to merge into a transforming, butt-kicking ninja!

Q. You must get tired of being smacked around all the time!

A. I like to think of the smacks as the only way Mello can express affection…so each smack is a kiss! A painful, coma-inducing kiss!

Q. Whatever happened to Bob?

A. She got together with YoukaiNinbombheadsupahspecialpwnsomeangelictearyeyedinnocentkitsune, also known as Bill.

Q. There's no such thing as a plane that takes you anywhere in the world in 3 hours! 

A. …(SMACKS)

Q. What happened to Misa?

A. Unfortunately, the girl has an attention span shorter than me, so she didn't notice the air ventS. Don't worry, she eventually got out with the help of a spoon, a packet of Skittles, a reanimated corpse, and her newfound Mangekyo Sharingan!

Q. Any tips for gamers?

Always tip the waiter with red eyes because bad things might happen if you don't…also, also try to have a variety of classes in your party. A mastermind, a jock, a healer everyone hates, and that random noob guy who manages to withstand a level 999 attack. Gawd, I hate that guy!

_Next time: Matt and Near go to L's room, and discover…pr0n?! _


	5. Chapter 5

Matt's Sims Adventures Ch.5

A/N: Yay, the Sims is actually referenced here! Sorta…slightly…meh, enjoy the lolz. Thanks to my new beta **Cookies of Lust!!!!**

801801801801801801801

Ever since the discovery that Light was a prettier version of me, I got to thinking… Mello had a twin too, Misa… what if Whammy House was where abandoned twins of bishounen go? (Or in Mello's case, bishojos.) And if that's the case…who was Near's doppelganger? Was he just as unnaturally white and freakishly nerdy? Or was he Near's opposite?

(Gasp)…Maybe he was a kaleidoscope of colour and was supah-tuff! Lyke a ghettolicious rainbow! Or a gay gangsta! Must tell Near to be on the lookout…meh, I've got way better things to do. Taking a deep breath, I then turned to my PC.

I've decided I'm going to stop ignoring the Sims. I mean one itty bitty traumatic experience can't keep me from a 5 star-rated game, right? Right! I grinned and reached to adjust my goggles, a trait I stole off of Naruto.

Wait…no goggles.

I sat there for a while. It probably looked like I was just waiting for the PC to start up, but…

Gawrsh, I miss them. I remember how they dimmed everything I gazed at, how… actually, that's about it. Still, I looked hawt with them.

When that moment of emo-ness had passed, I looked up at the monitor. Seemed like it was ready, so I started up the Sims. In a Maxi-advertised flash, it was ready too. Okay, here goes nothin'…

I cringe as I pass over Neighbourhood 1. Maybe I should start fresh.

…WTF?!

Someone's already made families in Neighbourhood 2! The Yagami's, the Keehl/Jeeves, The River's, and there's even a Whammy House! Wow, this is even creepier than before! Eyes wide and fingers trembling, I started at the unsettling neighbourhood. It was if the game was stalking me! What the deuce was going on?!

"You're probably wondering what the heck's going on," droned an unexpected voice from behind.

"OH SHI-Near! Don't do that! And FYI, I was thinking what the _deuce_ is going on, not what the _heck_. So close, thanks for playing."

"Whatever Mail."

"SHHH! You anus! What if Kira (or a new otaku to the series) hears you?!"

"Well, this is where the name spoilers start in this fic, so they might as well know." He turned at an angle to face an audience invisible to me. "My name is Nate Rivers, Mello's is Mihael Keehl, Matt's is Mail Jeeves, L is L Lawliet, and Light is actually the spawn of Eric Cartman from South Park and Tamaki from Ouran High School Host Club. Oh yeah, all those losers die, except me. Yeah I know, I pwn."

"…You boob."

"An alive boob, what are you?"

I glared. "Are you gonna tell me what's going on or what?"

"The houses and families weren't created by me, I assume one of the orphans snuck in here and decided to muck stuff up." The albino began twirling his hair in his ever-so girly fashion. "However, I did add personality points, wealth, and material goods. If you inspect, you will see that every last detail that befitted the occupants real life's counterparts have been embedded."

"Now say it in Matt-anese."

Near sighed, and muttered some generic insult to my intelligence. "In other words, if you and Mello were roommates, you would own 3 computers, 2 hair straighteners, 7 gun polishers, 14 wiimote polishers, and a chocolate bar vending machine. These items that have been generated by your personalities are in your shared home."

"Okay, now can you make it sound less dorky?"

"Oh for the love of- (sigh) Mello's undies are in your Sim house - down to every last frilly, lacy, skimpy detail."

"SQUEE!" I pushed the albino away, and happily gamed on. Wow, Near was right! Every single detail was in the house Mello and I shared. Gun shot wounds riddled the coffee table, and my collection of Sephiroth key chains stood right beside Mello's variety of chocolate dipped in chocolate, sprinkled with chocolate, with an engraving of a chocolate bar-flavoured lip gloss.

And the Sims modeled after us! True, my great hawtness wasn't captured, but my oh my, I have never seen Mello look so dang fine…what's better is that I can dress him up! Yay! Thank you mysterious person who made these sims!

"You're welcome...Matt," popped a startling message. "I'm glad they are to your liking hyukhyukhyuk…"

Erm…I'm not sure whether to run out of my room screaming bloody murder, or ignore it and drool over sim Mello's cosplaying skillz.

Hmm…wait- ooh, is that a neko dress?! Well like they say, beauty before impending doom! I think.

Mm…bunny suit.

Kawaii! Barbie Mello!

Samurai Mello is teh hawtness.

"Really? Because I prefer him in the sailor scout uniform."

"Sailor scout? Puh-lease, his divalicious dress with matching superstar sunglasses was 10 times better than that."

"Ah, you're probably forgetting the badazz cowboy get-up. Now that was sweet."

"Mmm…I know, that was so Brokebackesque…wait a nano, WTF?! Get out of my room before Mello sees you and phreaks!"

"Too late." Mock-monotoned a sadly familiar voice. The owner of said voice proceeded to give Near and I 24 B-slaps, 7 pistol-whipping sessions, and finished up with yelling in our ears while Caramelldansen played in the background. Oh yeah, he also kicked us out. Single-handedly.

"Yowza," Near muttered. "Feisty. Just what I like in a bishie!"

Near's a playa, so I let it slide 'cause he always joshes like that. I'm-a used to it.

We dusted ourselves off and started heading Kira-knows-where. Pretty soon after useless-wandering, we somehow ended up knockin at L's door, just in case he was in. He never is though, he's either in Japan flirting with Light, or in the States, trying to find Light the perfect apple.

Anyway, we barged in.

Of all the room's in Whammy house, L's is the oddest. He's got voodoo dolls and pineapples, llama plushies, and 60-inch pencils. He had a single light bulb illuminating everything, with the exception of one very, very, very dark corner. No one's ever seen what's in that corner, and no one's keen on finding out.

But besides being the oddest, L's room has gotta be the greatest boredom-killer. After searching around, Near and I found something worthwhile.

I whistled and Near's eyes grew wide.

"My oh my…" Near said, a grin spreading on his face. "Looks like L's a voyeur of some sort." In our small adolescent hands, we held a copy of "Boys Gone Insane Vol. XIII."

"This is probably just a gag, a parody of Girls Gone Wild," I murmured. Near shook his head. "Well the DVD has quite a few marks…he's watched it a few times, so chances that it's porn have risen by 27 percent."

"Only one way to find out…"

We dusted ourselves down, and then popped the disc into the player that was conveniently located right beside us.

…Let's just say, it didn't disappoint.

Seven or eight hours later, Mello found the pair of us, drooling and having slight seizures.

"Boys." Muttered the fashionista. I smiled weakly up at him. "Hey Mel, you should see this vid, it's so…" I shuddered. "Hypnotizing."

"Hmm?" he turned to face the moaning TV set.

"_Oh sh1t, y00 n00b. Don't put the corn cob __there__…"_

"_Uwah! I like speakers, but not __that__ way!"_

Pretty soon he was convulsing too.

We must've been there for a good amount of time, watching those crazy boys do crazy things on the screen.

"I think I see a nipple, Near!"

"That's not a nipple you Matt, it's a donkey."

"You're both twats, it's clearly a toaster."

"Toasters don't groan Mello. Brown apples _do_."

"Matt you liar, it's a dictionary!"

We must've been gone for quite some time, 'cause pretty soon the door was being banged on. LOL, _banged_ on. Anyhoo.

"Open up!" yelled a familiar voice from behind the door. "I'm carrying a bishounen, and despite how they look, they weigh a ton!"

Struggling, Near managed to tear his eyes away from the screen. Hands shaking, he heroically managed…to nudge me. "Get the door…"

"F-fine." I slowly brushed cobwebs off of my shoulder, and opened the door.

"Bout time!" grumbled the knocker, who had turned out to be Light, holding our hero in his arms.

"The L are you doing here?" asked Near icily.

Well…"

FLASHBACK…(sorta)

_Light and L had been lovers for 3 days after the France incident. They laughed, played, and baked pretty awesome cakes together. Whenever Misa attempted to re-establish her GF status with Light, L would just knock Light unconscious, then shoo the weotch out._

_Unfortunately, L's façade as a detective-king of Canada wouldn't last long. When Misa appeared for the 51st time screaming "Light is mine!" and L had to knock Light unconscious for the 55th time (trust me, you don't wanna know what happened after the 52nd, 53rd, and 54th time…) Light gained his memories immediately after revival._

…_He then proceeded to kick the crapoodles out of L. _

END RECAP

"But I before I get to do any _real_ damage, he faints on me!" ranted the brunette. What a drama queen…"So then I gotta drag him somewhere safe, cuz Misa was as mad as hell. And the only place my ble-tch of a girlfriend won't go is _this_ freak hatchery."

"We're not a freak hatchery, we're a freak spawning ground!" retorted Near. _Real_ nice. The mass-murderer just rolled his eyes. In mid-roll though, his eyes happened to stop at the screen. A small gasp escaped from his apple lip-gloss lips.

"B-Boys gone Insane XIII!" He then turned to us. "Where'd you get this?!"

"Oh, y'know." I waved my hand in an aloof manner. "Here, in L's stash…it's pretty good. Why, you have one too?"

Light chuckled nervously. "You could say that."

Suddenly, the TV turned red. "And now," announced the screen "Our star of the show, Kira himself!"

"I'd do anything for world domination," moaned the tv-Light, who was now eating strawberries using his toes.

We stared in astonishment at the television, as scenes of Light stark naked flashed on the screen.

Pretty soon, we woke up from our state of shock, and turned around slowly to stare at the star himself, who was as red as Near's fire trucks. "W-well, I, erm-"

"You little ho." We chorused. Mello, Near, and I grinned and high-fived each other. Lighty-righty just glared.

"So Yagami," drawled Mello, "Can you justify what we just saw?"

"You got some 'splaining to do!" I teased as the brunette went from _'fire-truck'_ red to _'blood-covered rubies on an apple'_ red. He then took a deep breath, and was _just_ about to explain himself, when L woke up.

"Hey guys, what'd I miss?" asked the detective sleepily, as he wiped the morning (or in this case, 6:00 in the evening) gunk from his eyes.

"Erm, nothing! Nothing at all!" Light rambled, standing discreetly in front of the screen, irritatingly blocking our view. "Right, Matt? Mello? Near old buddy, old pal, nothing's going on right?"

We snickered silently, watching Light's eyes darting. I wondered why he was so worried, L's already seen it…

"Well," started the albino as he absent-mindedly started to twirl his hair, "We were just watching your Boys Gone Wild XIII DVD."

"Huh?" he scratched his head. "I don't recall owning Boys Gone Wild XII. I _do_ however have Boys Gone Wild XII, XI, and X, but not that one."

"Wait," now I partook in the rummaging of head fuzz. "If it isn't yours, then whose is it?"

L shrugged. "My door is always unlocked, so anyone can walk in." His eyes drifted towards Light. "Darling, could you skoot over? I wanna lookie."

Light thought for a moment. He was probably doing his creepy inner voice reasoning that goes on and on…some time later, he finished, straightened up, and jumped on L. Hard.

"What the- yowza!" L grinned. "Someone's feeling playful. Whatcha need, koi?"

"Erm-piggyback! Now!"

"Yippee! Just so you know," warned L, wagging his finger. "I've acquired years of experience from hauling this lot around. I'm practically the ultimate piggyback machine, what with my hunched back."

The megalomaniac gulped. "I'm willing to take my chances," he muttered miserably, as he climbed on.

"I remember my first piggyback with L," reminisced Mello. "I managed to hold on for 11 seconds. Longer than anybody," he added. "Ever."

Near opened his mouth. "Actually I-"

Mello held up a hand. "STFU, dipstick. Let me have my moment."

"WHOA NELLY!" screamed Light as L zipped around the room, merrily bucking.

"4, 5, 6, 7, 8…" we counted. I was impressed. I myself had only lasted for 8.5 seconds. Most people fell off as soon as they got on. Light must _really_ not want L to see the DVD…

All the more reason to show him then!

Near and I dug around in the piles of random stuff, while Mello-jello watched the two rivals and counted.

Finally we found what we were looking for.

A COOKIE.

I took out my handy-dandy roll of duct tape, stuck it on the biscuit, and then stuck that on the TV screen.

Immediately, L's eyes zoomed in on it instinctively. I high-fived Mello. Works every time. Whenever you want L's attention, just put a sweet on your target, and wham-o! Instant gratification for your boredom/lack-of-father-figure/attention-seeking-behaviour-bccause-your-boyfriend-never-looks-at-you-because-he's-too-busy-being-Kira/blah needs!

L dropped the brunette like a stone, ("51 seconds!" marveled Mello) and reached towards the cookie. However, a certain Deathnote user shakin' his goods onscreen distracted him.

"…" While L was in a temporary state of shock, Light took advantage. He bolted towards the door.

Unfortunately, he tripped on a Kumagoro. OMGWTFBBQ?!

Even more unfortunate is that he landed on top of the DVD player, effectively breaking it and the disc.

With the dancing Light banished from his view, L shook his head from his reverie, and lost the glazed look in his eyes. "Did I just see-"

"No, of course not baby!" Light flailed his arms wildly. "You didn't see anything, right darling?"

"Umm…sure…yeah, guys, wasn't there something…unusual on the tv just now?" he blinked owlishly.

"Nope." We answered, devilish smirks playing on our faces.

"If ya say so. Wowza, look at the time. We gotta get going Light, we're 15 minutes late for Matsuda's party." L got up and walked towards the door, unconsciously maneuvering around the assimilated DVD player. "You guys wanna come with?"

"Nah," said Near boredly, who was now doing a rainbow-colored puzzle. "I've got plans tonight."

"Plans?"

"Yeah, plans to not have plans. I'll be cool here."

"Ah. Mello, Matt?"

I looked at my buddy. He shrugged. "Eh, we were going to pull a Tekken all-nighter, but what the hey."

"Yay! Off we go!"

Hopefully, this'll be better than the last time we skipped curfew with L.

FLASHBACK

L: No worries guys, Roger definitely won't let the guard dogs out tonight, it's Tuesday. My rope-made-outta-blankies will lead us to freedom!

Mello: Uh, L? If today's Tuesday, and the guard dogs aren't out…doesn't that mean the guard flamingos are?

Matt: (Has already climbed over, and is strolling towards the gates) What was that Mello? Didn't hear yo-

Guard Flamingo 1, 2, 14, and 17: GRAAK!

Matt: Oh 81339!

END FLASHBACK

I frowned slightly. "Hey L," I began.

"Shh!" Mello covered my mouth with a- Kumagoro?! ZOMGWTFBBBBBQQQ???

"As I was saying," continued the great detective, "all we gotta do is place Vaseline on the security camera lens, and then we're home free!"

We all nodded. "But the security cameras are placed pretty high," I said anxiously. L turned to me. "That's where you come in."

"Huh?"

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5 minutes later, I was hanging from the ceiling of Whammy's main doorway, one hand gripping the infamous rope of sheets, the other with a jar of Vaseline. Normally, I would be LOLing at the kinkiness, but right now I was just terrified.

"Screw it L, why _me_?!" I whisper-yelled at the duo above me who was holding the rope.

"Shut up and smear it already!" hissed the blonde.

I sighed and began swinging towards the camera. Almost…there…got it! I latched onto the camera.

…Which broke under the pressure.

"AAHHH! (crash) Ow…I'm not okay…"

Seems like neither Light, L, or mah beloved cared, 'cause after 5 minutes of whining, I blacked out.

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I later woke up in a daze. It was pretty dark, and looking around, I noticed I was in my room. Yay, someone cared! Too bad they didn't stick around long enough for me to thank them.

"Yes, in fact, they did." Said a nasally voice. And out of the shadows, Near stepped out. "You should really get your light bulbs changed." He added.

"Sorry man, Mello likes practicing lurking in the shadows. He's getting pretty good actually. Almost better than Bakura from that show you were obsessing over."

"Yu Gi Oh? Puh-lease, I'm into Beyblade now." Wow Near. Just-wow.

"Where's Mello, by the way?"

"Oh, he went to that party with Light and L."

"So he just left me?! That weotch."

Near twirled his hair as he gave me an "isn't it obvious?" look. "Dude, L's here. You know how Mello idolizes him."

I sighed woefully. "Yeah, I do."

"So, whatcha wanna do?"

"I was gonna do a Tekken all-nighter, but without Mello," I did another sigh. "Whomever could I play with?"

Near brightened. "Y'know, I have m3d DDR skillz on Eddy."

I ignored his mindless blathering. "Who could possibly be available on a Friday night to play a video game, in a mansion filled to the brim with children?" I mused. The albino near me began to frantically raise his hand for no apparent reason. I made a list of all the possible back-up friends I had.

Roger? Nah, he's busy bullying orphans.

Watari? Nope. He has pinky arthritis.

Wedy? I think she's busy hacking me- wait, what?!

Beyond?

Hmm.

"Hey Near?" I started. Near exhaled in relief. "Finally!" he exclaimed.

"Near, can you help me find Beyond?"

I wonder why he face-faulted.

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Ch.4 Omake…kinda.

Q and A!

Q. What's Mattanese?

A. My secret language of course! Every Whammy kid gets one, including a code name and a pet llama. The really special kids get Grand theft Auto V a week early!

Q. Why doesn't L lock his room's door?

A. Whenever the orphans get lonely or scared, we usually run to L, our only father figure. Sadly, he's only there once every 4 months, so we just play with his stuff as revenge. Die Kumagoro die!

Q. Why do you always go along with Mello?

A. 'Cause he's hawt. Bom chicka wah wah!

Q. A Tekken all-nighter? What's Tekken?

A. A TOTALLY awesome game franchise, it's got a smack load of different fighting styles.

"Don't you have any other games?"

"GTFO Near. And of course I do! But I like the nowling…it's my secret vice."

Q. Who's Beyond?

A. "Kukukuku…you'll see."

Shoo Beyond!

"(pout) but I ran out of jam, and you always seem to have some!"

No, I don't. You're thinking of the refrigerator.

"Oh."

For those of you who don't know him, he-OW!

"(glares)"

…You'll find out next chappie.

Q. Any tips for gamers?

A. Yeppers. Use Kool-aid to dye your hair, if you're broke like Light! And remember to always make two back-up characters to fall back on if your main becomes a phail in V life. (coughKIRAcough)

"Shuddup!"

Oh you know I'm allowed to talk smack! I can't believe you played FLYFF for 11 weeks on the same char! Serves you right now, cuz you're a Bow Jester.

…Which sux.

Next time: Near and Matt go tripping around, BB tells his epic life story, and Matt sings another emo girly song!

A/N: Phew! This was a bleh-tch to type! For every review, Light makes a pr0no.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: This was written half a year ago, I never realized I never put it up! 0_0 I'm sorry I'm such a spazz. (Bows deeply) Warning for chapter 7; it'll be amazingly short, since a) it was written on the last three pages of my Matt notebook and b) I lost the last page (GAAAH, CLIMATIC MUCH?), so it's gonna be a cliffie. Enjoy~

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_Last time on Matt's Sims Adventures:_

"_Hey Near?" I started. Near sighed in relief. _

"_Finally!" he exclaimed._

"_Near, can you help me find Beyond?"_

_I wonder why he face-faulted._

_801801801801801801801801801801801801801801801801801801801801801801801_

It's pretty easy to find Beyond's trail.

Just follow the strawberry jam tracks! (At least I _hope_ it's strawberry jam…)

But it's harder keeping up with them.

"Man, this guy sure gets around, huh Near?" I shot a friendly grin to my companion.

The albino just scowled as he followed behind me. Wonder what's eating him.

"Oh I don't know," muttered the boy's voice behind me sarcastically. "Maybe because instead of owning you at Tekken, I'm searching for Whammy House's most psychotic occupant!"

"_Hot then you're cold~,"_ Something's making a buzzing sound! I removed my earphones and craned my neck side to side. "Hn, did you say something?" That guy is a real mumbler…

"Never mind." He sighed and we continued on our way.

I shrugged, then went ahead. Personally, this little mission of ours was sorta…fun! I felt as stealthy as Solid Snake, or James Bond, hell even HARRY POTTER man!

Humming the Secret Agent Man theme song. I stepped over some random immobile (hopefully just unconscious and not otherwise) body and tiptoed to the end of our trail.

"Here lies the man," I murmured gleefully, rubbing my hands together. "The one and only available player in this Chuck Norris-forsaken place. Hey Near, get up!"

That growling kid's really got to get rid of that face-faulting habit.

"Of all the," he sputtered, "After 3 hours of following his trail, we ended up at his room! Why didn't we check this spot in the first place?!"

"Hmmm…I dunno. There's a reason I'm third, and not first around here." I pivoted manly (why yes, it is possible) and knocked politely, resisting the urge to beat out this catchy DDR song I've got stuck in my head.

Silence.

And then, the door creaked a fraction open.

Cautiously, I peeked inside.

**HOLY SHI**- "Hn? Matt? Is that you?" Beyond's hoarse voice resonated. Too late to run.

I took a deep breath, and opened the door.

Every. Single. Surface. Of Beyond's room. Was covered in (hopefully) jam. The floor, his bed, heck even the ceiling! How the frak did he get it up there?!

"…" Near was as speechless as me.

"Excuse the mess," said the L look-alike. "I'm particularly …busy at night. You're welcome to visit in the day," he added.

"Nah, it's okay." I said quickly. "Ummm…just wondering if you wanted to play mindless video games in my room?" Please say no, please say no-

"Sure!" said Beyond cheerfully. Oh fiddlesticks. "You're playing too, right Near?" he asked a bit too longingly. He's a got this strange look in his eyes…well, stranger than usual.

"Ummm yes…? I think."

Beyond sighed lovingly. "Yay! Let me just clean up in here guys!"

As Beyond dusted and mopped, I nudged Near. "Hey man, I think he likes you!"

Near's eyes widened. "Oh gawd no, say it ain't so. What tipped you off?"

"The loving sigh was a good indication. Then there's also the fact that underneath all this jam, there's posters of you _**everywhere**_!"

And indeed, I was right. (Ch'yeah, when am I not?) Poster's of Near's fugly face adorned every flat surface of BB's room.

I whistled. "Dayum, this guy's got multiple issues."

There were pics of Near scowling, playing with his toys, doing unspeakable things with said toys, smiling, and playing…Tekken?!

"Hey Near, why didn't you tell me you played Tekken?" I asked casually.

"…"

"Face-faulting on a poster of yourself face-faulting is so not cool Near." I stepped over his twitching body to poke around at Beyond's manga collection. Oooh, Junjou Romantica! I assumed my kick-arse yaoi-reading position. 'Cause yeah. TTLY. Hehheh. That sounds like 'titaly!' Now there's a place with no meatballs…LMAO.

"Matt, you done talking to yourself?" I blinked, then looked towards Near who gave me a what-the-hell-are-you-smoking look, and BB, who was grinning with boyish charm. "Thanks for inviting me by the way."

"Np. Hey…where'd Near go?" That kid is like a ninja. A freakishly white ninja.

"Near-koi?" BB's crimson eyes took a shojo sparkle similar to Mello-chan's. "He's using my bathroom that's totally not rigged with cameras, video recorders, and all sorts of Near-nekkid catching equipment."

I nodded in recognition. Man, BB's so lucky he's got a private bathroom. All of us saner- erm, younger kids have to share one down the hall, on account of we're not old enough yet. (That, and most of us probably won't shank anyone who uses our personal strawberry-scented soap.)

A flushed Near emerged from BB's washroom, only moments later. "Beyond you perv!" he yelled girlishly.

"Whatever are you talking about, beloved?" The brunette in question blinked innocently. I didn't even think that was possible, but apparently your blinks can be innocent. Who'd-a thunk it.

The albino wannabe held up a number of tapes, camera, and camcorders. "Next time you wanna watch someone discreetly, try not hiding all your spygear under the rug!"

"Hmmm. I'll note that. Ready to go?" He flashed a Kira-like smirk.

Near sighed in a long-suffering manner. "Why do I have the feeling I'll regret this?"

"I dunno. Maybe it's because we're about to play video games with Beyond Birthday, the love child of Hannibal Lecter and Bakura? Oh well. Doesn't sound different from what most anime characters have to endure."

Eh, true.

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"Bang! Bang! Shazam!" I punched victoriously into the smoky air. "I win again!"

We had playing for 2 and a half glorious hours. BB wasn't as psychotic as we first thought.

"It all started when I was 5 and three quarters years old," lamented the brunette as I KOed his character, "My dad was driving me and my 5 sisters to the ballet recital. I was the leading role, and we were late because I forgot to iron my tutu. Anyhoo, we were going super-fast, and it was snowing so hard…last thing I can remember is the sound of the car smashing into a giant Kumagoro statue."

WHAT. WHAT? WHAT I DON'T EVEN- "Seriously wtf?"

"Yeah. I was the lone survivor. My mother later died of grief. Oh yeah, and of unsolved homicide."

Near opened his mouth silently several times before opting to stare at the man in morbid fascination.

"I went through this murderous, insane, L-cosplaying phase afterwards," continued BB. "It lasted until…gee, I never really grew out of it did I?" he laughs, I shudder, and Near continues to gape like a dead fish.

Say Near, can we talk outside for a minute?"

Near boredly dropped his Playboy, and then opened the door.

Once we were out of eavesdropping distance, I began shaking Near violently.

"Ow! WTF man?!"

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!" I whisper-wailed, a trick I got from Mello's nightly diva moments.

"Stop it Matt!" I ceased shaking him, but began to hyperventilate. "We are _so_ going to die violently. And that's the one type of death I hate! Why do you think I smoke so freaking much?!"

"Umm, because you're addicted?"

"No, it's 'cause I'm trying to get a freaking heart attack!" I massaged my temples. "And to think you're the smartest one here."

Growling, Near smacked me upside the head. "Look, he's already here. We can't send him back without looking suspicious."

"You're right…we'll have to cancel game night." I pouted a bit. "Ohhh, and I was so looking forward to whooping some geek-arse…"

Near's eyes suddenly became fiery. "Frek no! For the first time in Whammy history, Mello isn't in your room! I sure as hell ain't gonna waste this opportunity!"

His Rock-Lee moment cheered me up a bit. "Yeah, you're right! I finally have a chance to crack open my old multi-player games!" I straightened my stripey shirt. "C'mon Near old buddy of mine. We'll just have to grin and bear it. Besides, it's not that big of a deal." I guffawed nervously. "Playing video games with BB is totally not like dancing with the devil, right?"

"Yeah..right…" Near gulped. "Okay, let's go in."

I took a deep breath and then pushed open the door.

-

801801

-

No way. No flipping way.

"Beyond, WHUT THE _FUZZBAG_ HAPPENED HERE?"!"

My entire room is covered in JAM. It's all over my computer, the walls, mah beloved PS2, that limited edition Chun-Li action figure I got last week (sob), and- le gasp- Mello's top bunk bed! Gah, he's going to shoot me!

Gone was my fear of the L look-alike. In its place was completely justified fear of Mello beating the living daylights, nightlights, and shit outta me.

I began to freak out. "BB, what _exactly_ happened?!"

He shrugged, while Near twitched quietly beside me. "I dunno. One minute I was losing to the CPU…the next thing I know, its artifical blood is being splattered all over the place!" He smiles yanderely at me. I resist the urge to go Alma on his arse.

As Near continued on his twitch spree, I stared at my once-not red room. Mello would probably come home with a terrible hangover and seeing his/rightfully my bed covered with a sticky substance…

…Omigawd, I am so dead.

-

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-

All right, it's been 2 and a half hours, and I'm still cleaning.

Working efficiently, Near, BB, and I managed to scrub off most of the jam from the carpet, the tv, and the walls.

"It's 3 in the bloody morning!" panted Near.

"Shut up and Swifer woman!" Flushed, I dusted like hell. (Because Mello's wrath is 1337 times scarier than it.)

BB continued his life story as we hygenized the place up. "Let's see…I took a job at Wal-Mart at the tenderly morbid age of 16. There, I enjoyed the discovery of a new hobby, if we can call it that. A rather annoying manager kept on talking, and our dispute ended rather," he grinned spookily. "Messily."

Near shivered, but kept on working, only his eyes indicating his wariness.

"Sometime after this event, I met L. He was suppose to lecture me on shanking your manager, cutting his rotting corpse into tiny pieces, shooting each piece until it became liquid form, and then selling it as jam at local farmers markets across England. But, all he did was glare at me as we sat in a tiny dark room for 4 hours while eating cake."

We momentarily stopped. "Wow BB."

"Yes, wow indeed. Anyhoo, for some bizarre-o reason, the image of that detective's been embedded in my skull ever since, resulting in me possessing murderous _and_ L-cosplaying tendencies."

"…" I struggled against the urge to flash the bat signal in the early morning sky. "Hey Near, can you hand me that sponge? Near?"

Daggone it! "Near get off my frakking computer!" That soddy albino betch was totally on my Sims file!

"Hold up, Betty and Mello are getting married."

"WHAT I DON'T EVEN- but they had –9000 relationship points!"

He shrugged as he used the duster to pick his nose. "Well as soon as I wiped the jam off of your PC and started it up, your Sims all have opposite points. Must be some sort of glitch…"

"Wait, so you're saying that 'cause Betty and Mello have plus 9000 points…I HAVE MINUS 9000?!"

"Yep. Haha, you weren't even invited to the wedding. I on the other hand…"

I somehow managed to glare at both the virtual and real Near simultaneously. This night is turning out to be the worst EV3R.

First Mello and L ditch me with Near, then BB somehow gets everything covered in red goo, and to top it off, Sim!Mello hates my Sim!guts.

_"I-I k-kissed a gir-girl, and I- (sob) lik-liked it…uwaaah! (whimper) I hope m-my bo-boyfriend don't (sniff) mi-mind it…oh gawd…"_

**SMACK.**

"WTF Near?"

The younger boy twirled my chair to face him and gave me a steady look. "Now is not the time to cut yourself while singing girly songs!"

"Yeah!" piqued Beyond, as he scrubbed jam off of the heater. "So Near, what's the plan?"

"Hey? Why's Near the leader?" I scowled at the L cosplayer.

"Of course Near would be the leader!" BB clasped his hands tightly in front of him, while familiar shojo sparkles danced in his eyes. "Near-san's so strong, manly, and dashing, just like a modern-day knightin shining armour~"

I stifled a snort. "We're talking about the same guy, right? Besides, chivalry is dead."

"Yeah," BB blushed. "But he's still kinda cute(1)!"

**DOUBLE-WHAMMY-SMACK.**

"Look," sighed Near as winced and howled in agony (At least I did; BB had this stupid dreamy look as he did a stupid v-dance) "I'll keep cleaning here, BB will go outside and keep a look-out, providing a distraction if necessary. You deal with your Sim crisis." He then dramatically turned around to Swifer.

And thus, Plan "ZomgMell'sComingHe'sgonnaBeSoPissed,OkayCalmDownSMACKOwieNear'sGonnaClean,BB'sOnLookout,AndMatt'llPlayVideoGames" was put into action.

Also known as Plan C.

0000000000000000000000000

Ch. 6 Omake! …Kinda

Matt's Q and A

Q: What does the C in Plan C stand for?

A: Circumcision, 'cause that's what'll happen to us if Mello sees my room.

Q. Eww! An OC?! I hate them so much!

A: (Surprised) What the deuce are you talking about? If you read Mello's fantabulous book entitled the Los Angles Murder Cases, you'll know that he was totally a main char. Unlike me (sob).

Q: Why does BB seem to induce strawberry jam to appear whenever he's alone?

A: He doesn't induce per se, instead I guess he…"murdifys" the jam into existence. Yeah, that's it…erm, no more BB questions please. That mofo unnerves me.

Q. …Why was Near reading a Playboy?!

A: (twitch) I honestly don't know…I can tell you this though; it was the Payboy of 2008: Transformers Edition. (Shudder)

Q. Any tips for gamers?

A. Bien sur baby! While gaming, listening to the L33tStr33t Boys will totally level your armour!

_"You are such an Ad-Ho, you know that?"_

_"GTFO Near."_

__

A/N: (1) Oh Nelly Furtado, Y SO QUOTABLE?

**Next** **time: Shortest chappie ever in the legacy of Matt the Epic.**


End file.
